So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
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