I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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