The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
