Your dad touched me again.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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