Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
