I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
