sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
