Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
