Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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