Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
