I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
