my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
