I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
