I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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