you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
