Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
