Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
