im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
