Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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