Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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