How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Randomize
