So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
