turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
