She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
