I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
