your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
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