This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
