piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I think my fart just growled at me.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Randomize
