Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
