Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
