If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
