I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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