tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Another day, another engagement, another cat
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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