i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
