i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
should my penis look like a turkey
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
