Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
