She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"