Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
