new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
