Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...