I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
