You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
