I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Randomize
