I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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