Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
