Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
