he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
They took my balls.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
