My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
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