Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
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A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
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