I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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