I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
