I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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