Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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