either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
