I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
