About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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