Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
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well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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